“So…what was it like going to UCLA anyway?” I asked. “I’ve heard…it’s quite the party school,” I stated shyly. “Which surprises me, as to why you went there,” I then added as I began setting things up. I hadn’t as yet “flicked my Bic” of course, not wanting to waste any precious time here, getting the chit-chat out of the way first, setting up the direction I hoped we’d soon be taking before doing that.
My Penny, already handy and available for when the time was needed. I had already noticed she wasn’t wearing anything with copper in it, so the penny would have to do.
“Well believe it or not Brian, back in my college days, I was actually a bit of a party girl back then. Did some things I’m not exactly proud of now, got into a little trouble for it in fact, nearly getting expelled even. But…I soon after got my act together, changed my ways, buckled down and graduated.
And stupidly…got married,” she’d added, taking a breath, and then looking flustered. “Not that I have any misgivings about getting pregnant, giving birth to Leo, and later Mila. Not that…just that, well…you know how it is,” she left off saying.
“Yeah I know, and I’m sorry about that. But you Grace? A party girl? I’m having trouble seeing that,” I laughed just a little. But she was already lost in thought perhaps, remembering back now.
It was time to flick my Bic. I’d been holding the penny in my hands, and now charged it. I pretended to reach into my pocket as though getting it, and then held out my hand to her. She looked at me.
“Here, open your hand.” She did so. I dropped the penny into it, she looked at it, and then at me. “Penny for your thoughts?” I asked.
Almost immediately I got a sense of embarrassment and shame even. Brief fleeting images, a drunken party perhaps, plenty of nude men and women running about, squealing, chasing one another. And then this image of Grace, a much younger Grace, the way she saw herself perhaps, remembering, though even that image tended to flicker back and forth between that one, and the way she actually looked now. She finally snickered a bit.
“Oh Brian, I dare not tell you those thoughts,” she started moving about in her chair as though suddenly uncomfortable. “Like I said, I was a different woman…a different girl back then. I did things, like I said, that I shouldn’t have.
” I sat listening, or appearing to however, now slowly worming my way into her thoughts, like a shadow in the back of your mind, whispering to her, using what I saw, what I felt, what I sensed to draw her out more and more.
“It still excites you to think about though,” I told her. “Things you did, the pleasures you felt, so long ago now. How long has it really been Grace? Since you’ve allowed yourself to feel that way again?
To experience that kind of exquisite, joyful pleasure? How long? Certainly what you did wasn’t that bad now was it? Haven’t you made more of it than what it actually was? When are you finally going to let go of that, quit brow-beating yourself with it?” I pressed, now seeing the struggle, sensing the emotions as memories of that time came flooding back to her.
“Oh come on Grace, it can’t be that bad. Can’t be any worse than some of the things I’ve done myself, now can it? Doesn’t everyone experiment in one way or the other? Try things? Do things? Some of which we may later regret, yes, but isn’t that how we learn who we are? I’m sure, knowing you…it isn’t half as bad as you’re making it out to be.”
“Oh Brian, seriously honey…you have no idea. I really did do a few things that I regret. Not all of them of course, but some. And yes, you’re right, I do sometimes think about those times fondly,” she stopped herself looking at me. “You…you did ask me that right?” She suddenly questioned, not at all sure now if I had asked, or if she’d just offered something she shouldn’t have.
Like I said, this could get interesting, but I needed to tread carefully here, and we were still on borrowed time as well. I knew then, this might take more than one session to make any real progress with.
It might be better to take it slow and easy with her as opposed to trying to force anything too quickly. Though I did decide right there and then to try and plant the suggestion, along with the determination to tell me what happened, seeing me as a friend, someone she could trust, share this long held secret with.
“Go ahead Grace, you can tell him. He’ll listen, he’ll understand, and he won’t judge you, or think ill of you for sharing something with him, something a bit naughty, a bit dirty…about your past. It’s ok, he’s old enough now, far more mature than his age even. He’s always liked you, admired you. Hell, you know deep down inside, he’s even been a little bit attracted to you, sometimes hanging around, flirting with you in that little boy way of his he once did.
He’s your friend…go ahead, tell him. Tell him what you did that you think was so bad. He’ll listen, he won’t judge. If anything, he’ll think it’s way cool that you did that.”
It was like watching her talking to herself, only it was listening to me. She continued to struggle a bit, weighing the consequences perhaps, and finally…finally…accepting it.
“I can’t believe I’m actually going to tell you this Brian, but I think you’re old enough now to hear it and not judge me for one thing. But for another, there’s no one else I can possibly even imagine telling this to. It’s something I’ve held onto for years, struggled with. But maybe, maybe telling you…telling someone about it, will help me see it in another light.”
I sat back, pleased with the progress I had made, though having less than half the time left before the Penny wore out. The penny she still held in her hand like some sort of amulet. Which in a way, it was. But maybe, just maybe…it would be enough. One more prod. “Go ahead Grace, tell him, and don’t hold back. Tell him everything, spit it out, don’t be afraid. He will understand.”
She seemed to settle into it then, finally having made up her mind, with some encouragement from me of course, and began relaxing in her seat after taking a sip of her lemonade. “Believe it or not Brian, I once belonged to a rather prestigious Sorority. I won’t give you the name, as I don’t wish to blemish them further with my own wrong doings. But needless to say, it was shortly after my…my misfortune, that I was asked to leave. Something that I have had to live with to this very day.”
“Go ahead Grace, tell him. Spit it out, tell him everything, all the gory details. It won’t shock him, offend him…you can do it, spill it, you’ll feel better.” I could feel the energy starting to weaken. The link between us is not quite as strong. I relaxed it a little, buying a bit more time, something I’d recently learned how to do. Just barely holding on, no longer able to suggest anything anymore. But perhaps I had done just enough. I could still hear her thoughts, which might help me in redirecting our conversation if I had to.
“I’m not sure you’ll want to hear this…”
“I do. No matter what it is you have to say or tell me. I really, really do Grace. I can see that it’s something that’s been bothering you for quite some time now. Listen, we’re friends, just not neighbor’s, and at least I’d like to think of us as being that. Good friends, close friends, someone you can share a secret with, say something to, and know they won’t go out and tell anyone else about it. I’ll promise you this Grace, you share yours with me, and I’ll tell you a secret I’ve never told anyone else!”
She actually smiled at that, now grinning, nodding her head. “Ok, just remember I warned you, but I’m going to hold you to your promise to tell me what your secret is afterwards,” she stated.
“I promise Grace. I will.”
“Still can’t believe I’m actually going to tell you this, but ok…here it is Brian. Like I said, back then, I really was a bit of a party girl. Some people might even call me easy, though I’d still like to think it wasn’t like that. But I did enjoy doing certain things, admittedly. And I didn’t see that as being much worse than anything any of the other girls were doing back then either. So it’s not like it was all that bad, even now…I still don’t see it as such.
Only what happened, what I got more or less trapped into doing, all because of a stupid bet. A bet I lost, and out of some sort of twisted, false pride and vanity perhaps. It was a bet I felt I had to honor and live up to.”
“Which was?”
“That I had to blow every single guy in the Fraternity we were associated with, or at least those who were willing to go along with it anyway. Blindfolded mind you, so I wouldn’t ever really know who I had…or hadn’t. But I did Brian. And I’m ashamed to say it now, but I enjoyed it. I enjoyed every moment of it. Kneeling there naked in this little room, hands tied behind my back.
One guy after another coming into the room, the sensation of a different dick perhaps, each one fucking my face.” She stopped, obviously surprised with herself, her face deepening in color, even more embarrassed now, realizing she’d just dropped the “F” bomb in front of me. “Oh my god Brian! I got carried away there for a moment, I shouldn’t have said that.”
“What? Fuck? I happen to like the word, and not in a mean way either. I think it’s sexy personally, I like hearing it, saying it…especially when I’m Mike. Don’t you?”
I had a little bit left, so I used it. “You like hearing it, and saying it to Grace. It’s ok, go on, say it…say it. Say fuck!”
“Funny word isn’t it? Fuck I mean? It can be so cruel when used in certain ways, or hurt people you care about. But yes Brian…there are times when you say it, hear it, of course…do it, when it’s just…well, simply put. It’s just fucking hot!”
I’d lost my connection. But it was worth it. And now, it would be interesting to see where things would go from here.
“Yes it is Grace, so…fucking tell me, the rest of the story!” I smiled.
**
I had made her laugh hearing that, relaxing her even more, though there was still color in her cheeks. Her eyes seemed wider, more alert, her breath a bit quicker perhaps as she once again seemed to squirm in her seat. Not from being uncomfortable, but from something else. There was even a hint of moisture standing out on her forehead now as she wiped it off with her hand, now surprising me, reaching down, undoing the top button on the simple summer dress she was wearing. I honestly saw cleavage now for the very first time since I’d known her.
“Wow…whew, is it hot in here? Or is it me?” She giggled making a joke of it, but she truly was heating up a bit.
“Yeah, I know what you mean, it is sort of hot.” Though it was far hotter outside of course. “Wish I could take my shirt off in fact,” I said somewhat innocently.