Feeling of first time I had it – 4

True to her word, Mila gave the two of us all the alone time we could ever want. And never once did she approach me, hint…or otherwise indicate in any way shape or form that there had been anything between us.

I relaxed, and for a time everything seemed to go back to the way it was, the way it had been just between the two of us. And though the following week was busy with actual graduation a couple of days away, following the big last dance on Friday, I began to feel the first pangs of guilt and remorse as they began to saturate my subconscious.

Lily and I of course had long been looking forward to this moment. Not only finally being given our diplomas of course, but looking forward even more so to the last big final dance. As most did, and as I too had done, I had rented a limousine for the evening, which had cost me a pretty penny, and set me back a bit from earning enough money to repair my car.

But as far as I was concerned, it was well worth it. We would go to the dance, and then afterwards be driven to a nice restaurant where many of our friends would likewise be going. Some…had even secured rooms at a local hotel, though doing that was just out of reach with my available finances.

Oddly enough however, my parents for whatever reason, had conveniently arranged to be out of town that particular weekend. Though surprised at the coincidental aspects of that, I nevertheless had every intention of taking advantage of it. As such, I had arranged things beforehand, rose petals in the bed, a collection of candles to be lit adding a nice soft warm glow to the room. A place of sensuality and excitement that would be waiting for us after coming back from an extravagant dinner.

The entire evening had been perfect, the thing that dreams were made of. It was a great way to graduate into the world of adulthood. And even when Lily was finally allowed to enter into my own bedroom after the candles had all been lit, I thought then that maybe…just maybe, we might culminate this very special night together in the most intimate of ways.

I should have known better, I should have quit trying to fool myself, or think Lily not serious in holding to her promise and commitment to her mother, rather than to me. And more importantly, I perhaps shouldn’t have asked it, wanted it…almost, almost…demanded it.

As we had done countless times before, we teased and pleased one another in all the ways we’d ever experienced or allowed ourselves to do. She had in fact climaxed twice now, pleasurably, fully and completely. I had worked myself up, now laying on top of her, kissing her, likewise as we’d done before. And as before, as we’d tempted fate, and ourselves in a way, she’d allowed me the hint of possibilities.

My cock languished in the furrow of her heated place. Her pussy lips sweetly kissing and sucking on the shaft of my cock. I had before masturbated her clit with my prick. Stroking it, rubbing it, sliding up and down against her, which I began doing now. She allowed it of course, trusting in me…in herself. Only the briefest of cautionary words then being spoken.

“Only…this…” she sighed pleasurably, a warning, a reminder to me perhaps, though I persisted. Still rubbing, angling, rubbing, but now bumping the head of my cock at the sweet opening before me.

“Rick, no! You know we can’t, that I won’t!” She finally admonished me worriedly.

“But I love you Lily,” I said. Words I had of course said before, but I meant them, as I meant them now too. But perhaps placing a cost on the worth of them as I hungrily pursued my own selfish desire. But even as I did, I saw images, felt the renewed flame of lustful guilt engulfing me, even to the extent that the image of Lily’s mother now filled my head. I pushed, and heard Lily’s cry of alarm. Her hands came up to forcefully push me off and away from her. I’m not sure I even realized that I had in fact attempted to impale her, but her eyes told me otherwise of course.

“Take me home,” she said simply. “Now!”

**Anguish and remorse**

I of course tried several times to call her the following day. But she refused to answer any of my calls. Finally her mother answered.

“Please Mila, I need to speak to her.”

“She doesn’t want to talk to you right now,” she told me, her tone of voice telling me in an instant that she too was upset with me. “What the hell did you do to her anyway?” She asked. Which told me at least, that Lily hadn’t said much, but the implication of that said enough.

“I…I didn’t do anything. She…she stopped me,” I finally admitted. “And she had every right to do so…I was stupid!” I blurted out.

“Yes…you were,” she said and then hung up the phone on me.

I kept trying to call her for several days, but she repeatedly refused to speak with me. Eventually, all I received was a busy tone, telling me then that either she or her mother had taken the phone off the hook rather than sit there and listen to its insistent ringing. I finally gave up, figuring that perhaps when she cooled down, she’d maybe, hopefully contact me.

It was a full week before she finally did.

Seeing her actually standing there at the door was both a shock as well as relief. “Lily!” I said pleasantly surprised, grateful, joyful, until I saw the stoned expression on her face. She held out her hand to me.

“Here,” she said, dropping my high school ring back into the palm of my hand. “I think we need to be apart for a while,” she informed me. “I need time to think about us, about any possible future,” she then said. “And I can’t do that…being with you, not now…not for a while yet, if at all,” she then added. “Don’t contact me again, or try to reach me. Just leave me alone…give me time. I need time to think about all this.” With that, she turned and effectively disappeared from my life.

It was a weird period of time for all of us. The Vietnam conflict was at its height, and though I had in fact gone back to school, I was only doing so part time. And though Lily even then was still very much in my thoughts, I had since heard through mutual friends, she was in fact seeing, and dating someone. My heart ached, my hopes died…and with that, any hope whatsoever that the two of us would ever be together again.

And then they announced the draft. I remember sitting in front of the TV, watching and listening as they drew out numbers based on a person’s birthday. I sat in a state of shock as my number was very early on called. Number 12. I remember mom crying, almost hysterically. Dad, on the other hand, encouraged me to enlist, to create my own fate and circumstance rather than having it dictated to me. It seemed like the lesser of two evils at the time. So I did, the very next day, signing up…enlisting in the Navy. I had ninety days before I was expected to report for boot camp. My life and future was once again about to change.

Just two weeks before actually leaving, I received a phone call late one night from Mila of all people.

“I heard you enlisted,” she told me. I felt a sliver of excitement upon hearing that. Obviously Lily must have heard it from someone as well, had told and informed her mother. I wondered if this might be a bridge to our meeting, seeing one another again. But it wasn’t. “Can we meet someplace?” She asked.

Still hopeful, I agreed of course, agreeing to meet her at a local nearby restaurant in a hotel. She was waiting for me in the bar when I came in. Ironically not old enough to drink legally, but old enough to fight and die for my country. She stepped from the bar, taking my hand in hers.

“I have a room,” she said simply. “Thought it would be easier to talk there than here in the lobby.” I thought nothing of it, following her upstairs to her room. She sat down on the edge of the bed even though there were chairs nearby we could sit on. She patted a spot on the bed with her hand, inviting me over to sit next to her. Though cautious now, I remained curious, even optimistic in a way.

“How’s…how’s Lily?” I ventured, though sitting down next to her, not too close, wanting to keep and maintain some distance, now feeling a bit awkward and uncomfortable at being here.

“You need to let her go,” she said, responding to that. “She’s seeing someone else now. She’s happy, and content, so you need to let her go.”

“Yeah, I heard that,” I said, feeling sick to my stomach at hearing the words, but then asking, once again curious. “Why did you want to see me then?”

“Mainly, because I heard you’d be leaving soon,” she said. “I wanted to see you, I wanted…to be with you.”

I sat looking at her, the turmoil in my mind, my heart doing somersaults. “What do you mean?” I asked, already knowing the answer perhaps, but nevertheless, still wanting to hear it, to hear it clarified.

“I want to make love with you. I want you…to fuck me.”

And god help me, that’s what we did. After everything I had just been told, had confirmed, in my mind…if I couldn’t be with Lily, then I would accept the next best thing. In a way then, in a very bizarre, stupid way…I would finally be with her, in a sense perhaps. Or so I thought. And so it was, I lost MY virginity that night, not to Lily, but to her mother. Was it good? Yes. Admittedly it was. We enjoyed and pleasured one another throughout the night.

I lost track of the number of orgasms we both had and shared with one another. And though the mystery and wonder of it all had finally been revealed to me, I left early on in the morning with an emptiness that I knew would never be filled.

I never saw Mila again. But I did see Lily, the day before I actually flew out to finally attend boot camp.

I had been invited to a going away party in my honor by a group of friends, many of which Lily and I had both palled around with. Midway through the evening, and after several illegal drinks where I was just then starting to put on a pretty nice buzz, one of my buddies approached me.

“Hey buddy, someone wants to speak to you.”

“Oh yeah? Who?” I asked.

“Lily. She’s out back…waiting for you.”

“Lily? Here?”

“Yeah, she’s waiting for you, said it was important.”

Once again with my heart suddenly beating wildly, I half dashed outside, spotting her immediately as she turned towards me. And yeah, you guessed it…she was wearing my favorite, magical sweater again too. She looked beautiful, a feast for sore eyes. Whatever had happened between us, whatever she’d done, the things I’d done…I knew could be worked through, forgiven, amended. Someway, somehow.

“Lily,” I half prayed just standing there looking at her. She walked slowly towards me, eyes sad, remorseful, or so it seemed. She stood briefly in front of me for a moment longer, looking into my eyes. And then she slapped me harder than I’ve ever been slapped before…or since.

“You stupid, stupid bastard!” She cried out. “You actually went out and fucked my own mother! How could you?”

I couldn’t say anything. The fact she even knew was bewildering enough. Obviously…for whatever reason or purpose, Mila had told her we had.

“You couldn’t wait. Couldn’t give me the time I asked for, the time I told you I needed to see where I was, see how I truly felt about you…about us. My mistake, in telling my mother that I was thinking about it…thinking about us again. And what do you go and do? You seduce my own mother instead, you sleep with her…you fuck her, because you couldn’t have me. Well…so be it, I hope you can live with that.”

“Lily, it’s not like that…” I tried. “You don’t understand…”

“Don’t even bother trying to explain it to Rick. The bottom line is…you fucked her didn’t you. I know you did, because she told me specific things, things only she could know if you actually had. Don’t ever try calling me, or seeing me again. I don’t want anything to ever do with you again…not now, or ever! Understood?”

And with that, she left. All the years we had known one another, all the time spent, good and bad, had suddenly and dramatically come to a complete and final finish.

**Forty years later**

I had only gone to one high school reunion. My tenth. And though I was actually hopeful I might see her there, she didn’t attend. I had of course lost complete track of her shortly after entering the service, and then four years later returning. A mutual friend of ours filled in a few of the missing pieces, which ironically enough, made me both sad and angry with myself all over again.

Shortly after our final breakup, the guy she’d been seeing and dating actually ran around telling everyone that he’d finally “nailed her”. The two of them broke up shortly after that. Lily had likewise moved out of the house, now living on her own, though I heard nothing more of her relationship with her mother, nor where she actually disappeared to after that.

Like I said, the years went by. I myself am now married to a beautiful and loving woman. A woman who now knew my past, and my history, which included Lily of course.

When word reached me that there was actually going to be a forty year class reunion, my wife convinced me to go, though I hadn’t gone to any others since the tenth. I briefly, honestly wondered if Lily might herself actually be there. Something my darling wife was obviously aware that I might be thinking about.

“We should go,” she said, finally convincing me. “Might be interesting to see if she’s even there, finally putting the ghosts to bed as it were.”

I finally agreed, and so we did. And yes, she was there, the two of us spotting one another almost immediately. I of course introduced my wife to her. Lily herself is currently single again, though the whys behind that we didn’t get into. I was surprised when she asked if she could sit with us at our table.

Another mutual female friend of ours likewise joined us. So now, there I sat, Lily on one side, my wife on the other as we sat through, and laughed at old photos of our former selves, and sat listening to embarrassing moments and stories. Even one picture of Lily and I standing at the side of my car together, “High School Sweethearts’ ‘, the caption read.

I felt Lily’s hand come up taking mine in hers. My mother held it in my wife’s hand. Sitting there sandwiched between the past and the present.

“Makes you wonder, what if… doesn’t it?” She said only then turning towards me, through the looking over towards my wife. “Though I daresay, things probably worked out for the best either way.”

I leaned over then and kissed her on the cheek. Giving her hand a final affectionate little squeeze before letting it go again.

-End-