“What do you want? A lover? A wife? I’m too old to be a mother to any children you might want. I’m twenty-five years older than you, Ben. When you’re my age, I’ll be well into my seventies. But, I’ll be a wrinkled up prune of a woman long before then, though. With Jason … with Jason, being only five years older than me, the idea of growing old with him seemed pleasant. But for you? You’ll still be young, and I’ll be ….”
“Still beautiful. Of that, I have no doubts.”
She smiled and then shook her head. “A lover?” Merlyn shrugged. “I could be that for you. Till you get this out of your system. It’s been a long time since I had a man as young as you in my life.”
“Why not a wife?” I asked, looking into her eyes as the light faded.
“I told you why. We can’t grow old together.”
“Merlyn, I’m just hoping to get us through this night without you trying to go drown yourself, with me having to come die at your side … again.”
“Why did you do that?” she asked.
“Because I love you Merlyn! I … love … you.”
“I’m not worthy of that,” she said.
“Why the hell not?” I asked with some sudden heat. “Because Jason died?”
“Because I couldn’t save the man I loved.” She sniffled in the dark. I couldn’t make out her face now, just a dark shape. “Because no matter how much I loved him, no matter how much I begged and prayed! No matter how hard I screamed that it can’t be happening, he died. Can’t you understand that?”
“Yes, Merlyn I can. All you wanted was either for him to live or for you to die at his side.”
“Yes!” she said, her voice filled with tears. “Exactly that.”
“And that’s all I want from you.”
Except for the pounding of the waves, the cove was suddenly silent.
Then she was in my arms. I held her to me as I felt tears racking her body. Shudders of pain and loss tore through her. Soon screams, denials, and curses come up from her heart to give the night sounds that were different from the crashing of waves. I just held her as she finally gave into her loss. I held her through it all, and my face was not dry for a moment of it. That she had loved someone strongly gave me hope that, in time, she might return the feeling for me. For I loved her every bit as much as this.
As her pain subsided, I watched the moon slowly start to rise. Still I held her to me.
“Ben?”
“Yes?” I asked, softly.
“Why do you love me?” The question came out in the dark.
As I pondered the answer, I saw the moonlight start to give shape back to her beautiful face. “I don’t know. Because I do sound childish, but it’s the only answer that I can give. Why did you love Jason?” I asked, still trying to find a better answer.
I saw her smile. “Because I did.”
Leaning in, I kissed her. At first, it was just my lips pressing against hers, and then I felt her tilt her head a bit, and her lips moved. Ever so very slowly, I felt her starting to kiss me back. Her hand drifted up to the back of my head, holding me.
Not that I had any intentions of ever stopping this kiss.
*****