That Surprise Visit Make Me Happy Part -4 Continues…

She was an amazing friend.

A friend that would have to stay only a friend.

She was a very physical person, and every time we met, she hugged me, found subtle ways to touch me, and stood close to me. Often there were moments when it felt like it wouldn’t take much for me to kiss her. For her to kiss me back.

It felt like she was making me think she wanted things that I knew she couldn’t want.

That she wanted me.

I longed for it to be true.

But if wishes were horses, beggars would ride.

And I couldn’t be burned again, because if I was, she would burn with me. Even if by some divine intervention she wanted me for real, I knew that getting together with me would ruin her reputation and drag her through my mud.

And I couldn’t do that to her. I had to protect her from my toxic shit.

So, I bit my tongue and eased out of those touches, shortened the hugs. Subtly moved out of kissing range.

Straining with all my mental strength to make sure that I wouldn’t lose my friend in a moment of weakness and bad judgement, like I had lost Pam before, a long time ago.

—

The air smelled like rain, though the spring storm had passed hours ago. It had just lasted an hour or so, but the thunder was intense.

There was something about thunderstorms that I liked. The darkness and overwhelming power somehow spoke to that old pit of despair in my soul. Fed the monsters in there.

Everything was wet.

I sat on the porch bench, one foot up, holding my knee, just enjoying that damp, clean smell that carried across the fields. There was a glass of my Dad’s homemade chokecherry brandy in my hand, half-empty. I wasn’t in any hurry. Plus, I had the bottle right there.

It was quiet. Peaceful.

And then it wasn’t.

A car rumbled up the road to the house, tires crunching slow over the gravel. I didn’t move, I didn’t need to. I knew the sound of her minivan before I saw it.

It made my heart beat faster.

Maggie pulled to a stop, but she didn’t cut the engine right away. The headlights washed over the yard, picking out the shape of my truck where it sat in its usual spot next to the barn. I wondered what she was thinking, sitting there.

Finally, she shut the engine off.

She got out, tucking her hands into the pockets of her hoodie as she walked up the steps, her reddish blonde hair in a simple ponytail rather than her usual braid.

I’d never seen her in a hoodie before. She looked… casual.

And nervous.

I lifted my glass slightly. “Bit late for a drive, don’t you think?”

She smiled, but there was something in it that didn’t quite reach her eyes.

“I couldn’t sleep.”

I just patted the bench lightly.

She hesitated, just for a second, then stepped forward and lowered herself onto the bench beside me.

We sat in silence for a while, the old timbers of the bench creaking.

Maggie pulled her hands from her pockets and folded them in her lap.

“It’s so quiet out here.”

I took a sip of brandy, letting it warm my throat.

“Yeah.”

She tilted her head back, looking up at the sky.

“You can see so many stars.”

I glanced up, letting my eyes adjust. The sky was clear now, the storm clouds long gone. She was right. The whole universe was laid out in front of us, vast and endless.

We stared at the millions of lights in the sky for a while, both lost in thought.

“I used to look at them all the time… wondering what it would be like to be out there, to see amazing new worlds.”

She was quiet, listening. Or perhaps lost in her own thoughts. I looked down.

“Just wanting to get away, I guess. Escape.”

She was quiet for a while.

“Yeah. I know what you mean.”

It sounded like her mind was far away. But I could feel her looking at me.

“But you did. Escape.”

I exhaled through my nose, looking back up at the stars.

“Yeah, I guess.”

She was quiet again for a moment.

“Did you find what you were looking for?”

I thought about it. About Albuquerque. About the years I spent staying away from this place, trying to carve out a life in a place where everything felt so different from home. About my failed relationships, my attempts at happiness repeatedly sabotaged by my own insecurities and trust issues.

I swallowed. “I’m not sure.”

Maggie just nodded, like she understood.

I took another sip, letting the warmth settle in my chest.

After a moment, she sighed.

“Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like if I’d left.”

I turned to look at her again, but she wasn’t looking at me. Her eyes were still in the sky, like she was trying to find something she had lost.

I thought about her house. About the husband waiting there. About the life she had chosen… or maybe just the life she had accepted?

I opened my mouth… and then shut it.

She let out a soft, quiet laugh, shaking her head.

“God, listen to me. I sound like a broody teenager.”

I didn’t know what to say to that.

“Maggie…”

“Yeah?”

“Are you ok?”

Silence. Then a sigh.

“Yeah. I guess…”