That Surprise Visit Make Me Happy Part -7 Continues…

I had allies, but she wasn’t there. I couldn’t see her.

Through the din of voices, I heard Chairman Harris shouting that the meeting was adjourned and that the school board would now have a discussion and a vote and would everyone please leave in an orderly fashion.

A hand grabbed my arm and lifted me up from the chair. An arm came around my waist and then somehow, suddenly I was out under the blue sky in the sunny afternoon with Principal Stewart on one side and Maggie on the other.

I cried from joy just feeling her hand on my arm. She hadn’t gone. She was here.

The crowd was dispersing, people getting in cars and walking away. Some were glaring at me, others looked sheepish, but many came and shook my hand, patted me on the shoulder, and Robert’s mom gave me a hug.

Loretta Peterson told me to stay strong and asked if we could meet for coffee and talk sometime? I was horrible to her senior year because her boyfriend had been a huge bully. But she was smiling at me now.

Smiling. At me.

Maggie was still at my side, her hand in mine now. Her touch felt like a lifeline. I saw Jenny and Susan coming our way. My first thought was that I would have to try to find a way to maybe talk with their parents…

And then Jenny’s arms were around me in a fierce hug. She was still shaking.

“You shouldn’t have done that Jenny, you shouldn’t have…”

“I had Ms. Meyer. And I’m glad I did.”

I looked at Susan. She was beaming, obviously very proud of her girlfriend, but there was uncertainty in her eyes as well. I guessed that they hadn’t planned this. They both faced difficult conversations with their families now, and God knew what else going forward. I gave them the most reassuring smile I could muster, in my state as it was.

“Thank you, both of you.” I looked at their hands, laced tightly together again. “I’m happy for you, I really am.”

Their faces went red with synchronized blushing. It was cute.

“You talk to me if you have any trouble, okay?” They both nodded and left to go face the music.

“Come on, let’s get you home.”

“Yeah, that sounds good.” I let Maggie hold my hand and lead me to my truck. This was the wrong side though.

“No, no, you are not driving right now, just get in.”

I did as I was told, and Maggie got in the driver’s seat. I closed my eyes, and we were silent until we got to the driveway to the farm.

“You can take the truck back,” I said quietly, “Colin can pick me up tomorrow with it.”

“I’m not leaving you alone right now Liv.”

I didn’t protest, I was happy for her company. It had been so long.

The lovely smell of her body spray filled the truck’s cabin.

She parked the truck in its usual spot and led me indoors. I felt like I didn’t need to be led like a toddler, but I let her do it anyway. Her hand felt nice and soft in mine.

She gave me a large glass of water and made me drink it, and then led me upstairs to my room. I lay down on top of the covers, under Amy’s worried stare.

I was done. Sapped of energy, drained of fight.

Just done with all of it.

—

I woke up sometime during the night. It was still dark. The house was quiet.

I sat up to go pee and realized that I was just wearing my tank top and panties. Maggie must have undressed me before she left.

The pang of loss hit me like a sledgehammer, and I doubled over on the edge of the bed, crying. Silently heaving, crying my heart out at all the shit in the world and my fear of it that had made me push away the most beautiful thing in my life. My love. My chance at happiness.

And even after my horrible, undeserved rejection, she had been there for me when I really needed her. She had come to check on me after Dad’s funeral, and now she had driven me home, taken care of me, undressed me and tucked me in without a harsh word.

The only thing I wished for right now was to hold her. Just hold her, to be in her arms. To feel safe. Loved.

As I got my crying under control, I dragged myself out into the hall and to the bathroom opposite my room. I didn’t turn on the lights as I sat down. I didn’t want to see myself in the mirror.

I washed my hands in the dark and stepped out into the hall.

There was a weak sliver of light shining out from the guest room down the hall.

I slowly pushed open the door.

There she was. Sleeping soundly on her side facing the door, her beauty ethereal in the soft light of the small lamp on the nightstand.

I stood there watching her sleep for a long time, trying to make sense of my feelings, my love, my guilt, my shame. Letting the rhythmic, comforting sound of her breathing soothe the turmoil inside me.

I didn’t know how she felt about me.

But she was here. She hadn’t left. Maybe…

Maybe she didn’t hate me.

I walked silently to the other side of the bed and carefully slipped under the covers, quietly spooning her warm body, draping my arm over her T-shirt.

Her breathing didn’t change, and I settled on the pillow, my nose nuzzled into her loose hair, her warmth filling me with a sense of security. A sense of belonging.

I didn’t know how she would react when she woke up and found me here. I would take what was coming when it came.

I just knew that right now, more than anything else in the world, I needed to feel her close to me.

—

The sun played in her hair as I opened my eyes slowly. In those first confused seconds of consciousness, I moved and held her tighter by instinct.

Then I realized where I was and who I was holding, and froze.

“So… you’re awake?”

Her voice was just over a whisper, and she turned her head a little to get a look at me lying close behind her.

“Uhm… yes.”

“How do you feel?”

“I’m… not sure.”

“Okay. Uhm, Liv… I…”

This was where she chewed me out. And left. Probably.

“We need to talk…”

I sighed.

“I know.”

She started to turn towards me, to face me, but I stopped her.

“No… no don’t… just listen first, okay? Please?”

Sometimes it’s easier to talk when you don’t have to look the other person in the eye.

She settled down again and laced her fingers with mine over her chest.

“Okay.”

I swallowed my tears and told her what I hadn’t told Jenny.

“I fell in love with my best friend when I was fourteen. Her name was Pamela… is… I don’t know where she lives now, she moved away.”

I closed my eyes.

“I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t fully understand my feelings… didn’t know what to make of having these intense feelings for another girl. I knew that some people were gay, but I didn’t know anyone like that. I just knew she was all I thought about, her eyes, her lips, how smart she was. It felt like… what I thought love had to be. Making her laugh was the highlight of my day. She had a beautiful laugh.”

I remembered how we used to lie together on my bed, talking and laughing.

“We were close, together every day. And I… convinced myself… that there was something there, that she felt something for me as well. And…”

I took a breath. Just talking about this after all these years was making me nauseous.

“…and on my fifteenth birthday I kissed her.”

The tears came. I let them.

“It was the most beautiful moment of my life, for like three seconds. And then she screamed at me. She went crazy.”

I buried my forehead in her braid.

“She said horrible things, that I was disgusting, that she hated me, and accused me of attacking her. And then she told the whole school I had tried to have sex with her.”

“I didn’t go to school for two weeks. And when I did there was constant bullying. Constant slurs. Every day. And the only way I found to survive was to become what they expected me to be. The stereotype dyke. So, I changed my look, my dress, my attitude… everything… and…”

My voice hardened.

“And I survived.”

And here was the part that I had never told anyone. The part that I had only understood when I started on my degree, learning to help others, and had found myself in their stories.

“But… Maggie… it… it broke me. I lost the ability to trust people. And to trust myself.”

Her shoulders shook gently. She was crying softly with me.

“And I’m still broken like that. I make… the wrong decisions because I don’t trust my own judgement, or I think I’m doing the right thing when it’s not…”

I buried my face in her hair.

“The only thing that I’m good at is helping other people with their problems, but I’m crap at working out on my own. I’ve ruined all my relationships because of that, in one way or another. I push people away because… I’m afraid.”

One more deep breath, and then she would probably leave.

“So, that’s why. At least a part of it. Why am I this way? Why did I push you away?”

I was whispering now.

“Why was I so horrible to you? I thought I was trying to protect you, but… I was just afraid… and broken… and horrible.”

The house was silent but for our sobs and sniffles.

“Maggie…?”

“Yes?”

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I was so stupid. I’m sorry for doing that to you. I should have trusted you. I should have trusted my feelings. I don’t know how you feel, but I understand that I’ve already 

ruined everything. I know that… you probably hate me.”

It felt so painful to say, but it was the truth.

“I just hope… that you can find it in your heart to forgive me…someday. That maybe… we could be… friends…again.”

She didn’t say anything, but after a while she stopped crying and dried her eyes.

I could feel her deep breaths, preparing to say what she needed to say.

I braced for it, but I still wasn’t ready for the force of the blow her quiet words gave me.

Jerry. you broke my heart. You ripped it out of my chest and broke it with your bare hands.”

An agonizing pain seized my heart.

“I thought I had finally found my place. And it felt wonderful, because… I’ve been lost for so long.”

Her fingers squeezed mine. That touch now held my only hope of salvation.

“I need to tell you something to. Something I would have told you sooner… but… yeah.”

She took a moment to gather her thoughts.

“I… I got married to my high school boyfriend because I thought that’s what you’re supposed to do. Get married, have kids, live happily ever after. But that’s all just a load of crap. We’re not happy. And I can’t have children.”

My breath hitched. It was horrible to hear her say that so flatly, like she was saying the store was out of milk.

“But maybe it’s for the best, maybe I never loved him. Not really. I’m not sure he has loved me for a long time. He’s known for years that he can’t… give me what I need. He’s been seeing someone else for months now.”

She sighed. A sound of horrible resignation.