Her Attractive Boobs 

“Yeah?” I winced sympathetically.

Rose nodded thoughtfully. “Yeah. So there’s definitely nothing wrong with hanging on for a little while for the right person. Cuz there’s no point in being with someone who doesn’t really care about whether or not you’re actually enjoying yourself.”

I smiled a little. “That sounds like a good T-shirt quote.”

She smiled back. “Thanks.”

Hanging out with Rose made me feel a little more comfortable in my own skin for the first time since arriving at university- or perhaps for the first time since I’d gotten old enough to have these worries, really. On a whim one evening, I had a look at the university’s postal system again on their web page to make sure it was indeed as discreet as I thought it was. It checked out. I’d been living pretty frugally recently- the still-strict COVID rules had put paid to most social activity, and I had a little money to spare, if something were to catch my eye.

A little shyly, I opened a private browsing window and began perusing. I wasn’t going to go for anything too out-there. Just something to spice things up for myself. I went on the first and most reputable-looking site that came up and was greeted by a page of dildos. I cringed once more. The flesh-coloured ones made me uncomfortable. The non-flesh coloured ones made me uncomfortable. Why were they all so veiny? I shook my head and moved onto the next page.

Vibrators. There were certainly plenty of options. Large wands, tiny bullets. I didn’t have time to read the perks of every one. I found a drop-down menu and sorted by the most popular.

Right at the top of the list, a familiar sight popped up. A small round device, more modest than most of the others. It was, I was pretty sure, the same toy that Rose had left by the sink. I still felt a little awkward even at the memory. But the star rating was impressive, and it was probably just about within my price range… I clicked on it curiously.

I did a little more reading. It came with dual vibrating and clit-sucking- that’s a word, apparently- functions, charged off the mains, was waterproof and came with ten speeds and patterns. My cursor hovered over the ‘add to cart’ button. Was I really going to do this?

Yes. Yes I bloody well was. I checked and double-checked the ad and reviews that my order would come in a plain unmarked package, hurriedly keyed in my details- no, you certainly may not remember them for next time, Google- and a moment later the confirmation email arrived in my inbox. I felt my nerves jangling, but an unmistakable glow of satisfaction as well. Who was a prude now?

I’d ordered it in rose gold, though. Not black. That would have reminded me a little too much of Rose. Which would have been weird. Definitely. I closed over my laptop, wondering why I was flushing again all of a sudden.

**

Rose and I continued to keep one another company. It was nice, having someone even to do what little mundane stuff we would like to cook together or watch a show holed up in one of our rooms. I told her a little more about my own background, my tense relationship with my parents and my somewhat nerdy reputation at school. 

I had to feel a little jealous of Rose’s own family situation, who sounded immeasurably warmer and more relaxed. But not academic. She’d knuckled down in class of her own volition. It was something I’d never really given much thought to before. I’d had little choice but to succeed academically, but when I’d wanted that new laptop, or to enrol in something else extracurricular, or tuition to come up to scratch in another subject, my parents had known straight away who to contact- and the money had been there. Rose’s confident aura wasn’t just because she’d seldom been told what to do by anyone- it was because she’d had to figure it out in large part by herself.

The most vulnerable I saw her, meanwhile, was on one occasion when the topic turned back- it had a habit of doing so- to sex and relationships, and I grumbled once again about my lack of action. “You’ll be fine,” Rose repeated, waving her hand. “You’ll know when it feels right. It doesn’t change you in the meantime.”

I’d heard her say much the same before, but there was something a little too airy about the way she’d waved her arm, and she wasn’t quite meeting my eyes. I looked at her, unsure over whether I should broach the topic or just leave it, but the decision was taken for me as she turned back and caught sight of my gaze, and to my surprise seemed to shrink a little before me. “Okay, maybe I’m projecting a little,” she said.

“Projecting?” It was a term Rose was fond of using- never try to argue with psych majors- but on this occasion I was confused. “What do d’you mean?”

Rose furrowed her brow. “Okay, I… I know I haven’t mentioned this before, but I’m actually bisexual,” she said in a sudden rush.

“Oh.” I nodded in surprise, then did so again more firmly. “That’s totally okay! Why didn’t you say? Not that you’re obliged to, obviously, but if you’d felt comfortable… wait, you didn’t think I’d have a problem with it, did you?”

“Oh, no, no!” Rose said with a shake of her head. “No, I knew you wouldn’t have a problem with it that way. I just…” She winced a little and rested her chin on her hand, looking suddenly awkward. “I haven’t told that many people,” she said. 

“And it’s basically because I’m worried they won’t take it seriously. I’ve had boyfriends, but I’ve never had a girlfriend, I’ve never dated or slept with a girl or done anything more than just kiss. I’ve always known- for as long as I’ve known what liking someone was, I’ve known I liked girls as well as boys, but I haven’t met a girl I wanted to take that step with yet.”

I felt my heart contract in sympathy. “Well, I take you seriously,” I said firmly. “And so should anybody else. I mean I’ve never had a boyfriend, and I know that doesn’t make me… asexual. Nobody should act like they know your own sexuality better than you do. You’re totally valid.”

“Thanks.” Rose managed a brief smile, but her eyes remained sad. “But anyway, yeah, that’s why I usually bring it up unless someone asks.” Her cheeks were now red, and she shifted her gaze to the floor. “Sometimes I sort of feel like I’m still… half a virgin, I guess, and it makes me shy about talking about it. Sorry, I know I’m being stupid…”

She lapsed into silence. I felt poorly equipped to be the one giving advice and comfort, but remembering how her support had made me feel when I doubted myself, I reached out and laid my hand gently but firmly over hers.

 “You’re not being stupid,” I said. “But, remember to be as kind to yourself as you’ve been to me. You don’t let me get down from what other people might think of me, and I’m going to do the same for you. You’re a great person and you know your own sexuality. Anyone who won’t respect that or who thinks they can define you better than you can define yourself that can fuck right off.” 

I gave her hand an affectionate squeeze. There was still a hint of reservation in her expression, but she nodded slightly, and her smile this time was a little more like her usual self. “Thanks.”

That conversation marked a slight change between us. I felt now a little less like just the timid one that Rose had graciously taken under her wing, and more like we were supporting one another, in this peculiar new chapter of our lives. I felt touched, as well, that she’d trusted me, and I wanted her to know it, and know that she was as valid as she made me feel about myself.

We didn’t see quite so much of each other for the next little while- first term was drawing to a close and deadlines were approaching, leaving us both pretty busy. I was once again in need of a way to de-stress- and, right on cue, it arrived. I got a notification in my inbox: my online purchase had reached my locker.

Even with the anonymity and the fact that yes, it had indeed arrived in as plain a package as could be wished for, I still made a point of turning up as early in the morning as possible, when the place was practically deserted. I picked up the package and crammed it straight into my rucksack, and made my way home with butterflies in my stomach of both embarrassment and excitement. 

The package lay there in my bag for the rest of the day, until long after I was finished working and the campus had settled down for the night, before I finally felt comfortable opening the box and laying the contents out on the bed. There it was, complete with its little charging cable, though the website had promised it would arrive with a full battery to start with. Okay then. Time to explore.

Ensuring my doors were properly locked, I removed my skirt and panties and settled into my usual spot propped up against the pillows on my bed. I didn’t really feel in the mood for accompaniment tonight, and I instead closed my eyes and let my imagination wander through its usual fantasies. They felt a little more vivid, now that I’d actually said one or two of them out loud…

I settled gradually into my usual familiar circular rhythm with my index and middle fingers against my clitoris; I was still a little tense, but I did my best to relax and let the slow, satisfying sensations wash over me. It took a while, but eventually I felt ready, nerves jangling, to reach for the gold toy beside me and take it in my hand.

Cautiously, I tested the strength of the vibrations against my thigh. Was that really it? No, of course, that was the lowest setting. Yeesh, this was all new to me. I dialled it up a little and flinched at how quickly the vibrations moved from slow to intense; I hastily dialled it back down. There, that felt about right. Recomposing myself, I took the toy and settled it in place with the opening at one end against my clit.

It felt… okay. The sensation of something buzzing there was going to take some getting used to, but I did my best to settle back down and soak it up. It would take a little time, I guess. I waited.

And waited. And… huh? Something definitely wasn’t quite right. I tried moving the device around a little, testing a few different angles, but all without any great success. It didn’t feel bad, by any means- the tingling sensation was enjoyable, but still… The reviews under the product had been gushing, describing pleasure of semi-believable proportions. I hadn’t forked out what little spending money I had just to feel nice. I turned up the power a couple of notches again to see.

Nope. No, that was waaay too sensitive. I flinched and instinctively shut the thing off entirely, my eyes snapping open. Okay. That was okay. It was early days yet. I’d figure it out. It had worked for everybody else, after all. Including my friend across the hall…

That thought, of course, made me blush again, along with bringing a feeling in my stomach that I wasn’t quite familiar with. I set the gold toy aside. I no longer felt in the mood to go on even without it. I got redressed a little grumpily, and tried to think of other things.

I spent the next couple of days gearing myself up mentally for another attempt. I unleashed my nerdy tendencies once more and hopped back on the website I’d originally found the toy on to read some of the comments. 

None of the descriptions they gave were particularly helpful- just gratuitous. Cringing once more, I tried searching the rest of the net to see if any other discussions were there to be had. They were not. The only topic of conversation surrounding my purchase was from other women remarking on how hard they had climaxed with it. I sighed.

So, naturally, there was only one option left for me to fall back on, which I did so that night. I plugged in my headphones, copied the name of the toy and pasted it into the search bar on my usual adult site. A raft of videos popped up with all the usual unsavoury mastheads. Ugh. I flat-out refuse to click on anything with the words ‘slut’ or ‘bitch’ in the title. I sifted through and found something that looked acceptable (‘CUTE COLLEGE GIRL CUMS LIKE CRAZY!’) and clicked on it. What was she doing that was different from me?

I watched. Yes, that was my toy, alright. The girl settled it in place much as I had. And then… what? I couldn’t glean much. It was an amateurishly shot video- which is fine; I’ll take real people having an impromptu good time over choreographed sex any day- but the camera angle meant I couldn’t really see what I needed to see. I stopped the video with another sigh. I’d have to figure it out myself, then.

As I went to close the browser window, something else caught my eye. It was in the ‘related videos’ section. Not one, but two girls, sitting side by side on a bed and using similar toys together. Still shots from the video thumbnail looped over and over. Giggling, legs pressing together, backs arching in sync-

I stopped and closed the window suddenly. That same odd, unbidden feeling in the pit of my stomach was back. I sat and took a deep breath. It was just curiosity, I decided. Maybe a little envy. But only because I hadn’t yet got the toy working for myself. That was all it was. I closed my laptop once more and shook my head firmly.

A faint hissing noise had started from somewhere just beyond my room. Rose was in the shower again. I pulled out a textbook and began reading on autopilot, and tried not to think of what her psych textbooks would probably have to say about me.

**

I made a couple more tries in the next few days, but my heart wasn’t really in it. I had enough work to be getting on without allowing masturbation to become a chore as well. But I felt a twinge of indignation every time I looked at my bank balance, or when I opened my top drawer and saw the little gold tapered cylinder sitting there- 

“Hey, you okay?”

It was Rose. We were sitting together on her bed in our pajamas, her laptop at our feet with another show playing. It was one of those rainy Saturday afternoons where neither of us felt like doing much and Sunday seemed like plenty of time for our pre-seminar readings. “Sorry,” I said with a shrug, enjoying the way our shoulders brushed together. “Daydream.”

“Ooh, about what?”

“Don’t you try and analyse me,” I warned, though I couldn’t help but smile exasperatedly.

“You just looked far away, that was all!” She shrugged again in acquiescence. “You don’t have to tell me.”

As had often been the case in the early days of our friendship, I both wanted to and didn’t want to. I hesitated. The words embarrassed me even to think, and yet I was sure she wouldn’t judge me. We’d probably even laugh about it. Was that it? Was I so used to being sexually repressed that not being judged and having the freedom to say all these things scared me a little? “It’s something really dumb,” I ventured.

“So, not a big deal, then,” Rose countered.

I smiled again in spite of myself. “Do you promise not to laugh?”

“I’ll do my best.” She returned my smile. “If it’s properly hilarious, though, I can’t be held accountable for my actions.”

I steeled myself and went on. “Okay. A little while ago I ordered one of those… y’know, the kind of sucking vibrator things, and I can’t really get it to work.”

Rose covered her mouth, and I could see she was making a valiant effort not to giggle, but it slipped out regardless and I turned away as my face went bright red. “Sorry!” She reached out and brushed my arm reassuringly. “Okay, I’m sorry, I just- that’s just not what I was expecting. Right.”

I turned back to her in exasperation, though I was beginning to laugh at myself, still embarrassed but once again relieved that it was now out there. “Is it the same as the one I have?” she asked.